Coma is defined as the total absence of arousal and awareness lasting at least one hour associated with injury or the functional disruption of the ascending reticular activating system in the brain stem or bilateral cortical structures. The total opposite of my brain in regards to the person that I love. My brain in the presence of my love is hyper-aroused and aware; lasting for days, as I don’t see him now; with no disruption of any tracts from my brain stem or elsewhere. I can charge in a million directions with every neuron firing full blast, often like the sound system in my Porsche.
I love this man with an acceptance of where he is in the present. I wouldn’t change anything about him; often expressing my amazement of how surprising I find him in ordinary situations. I thrive in his presence and laugh out loud at something I might remember that he has said to me. His gentle manner and persona are powerful even for me, an alpha woman in most cases. His brilliance is without peer, something I used to feel as a bit of a threat, now much appreciated; his talents without equal.
As an empath, I connected with his mind almost instantly when I met him. When I recall seeing him for the first time, I can relive the moment with a bit of laughter as we have enjoyed many moments since them; me listening to his observations of the world with rapt attention. I am always a better person after hanging out with him and yes, I have come to terms with my feelings for him, without apology and never with an apology. I can’t see the need to apologize for wanting him to be happy with the life he chooses even if that life doesn’t include any contact with me. I will always want the very best for him without question.
In the time that I have remaining in life, perhaps very short now, I make no excuses or explanations of where my heart has taken me. I never sought to love this man but my mind had little control over my heart. He came in bigger than life and will remain there no matter how much this surgeon can work on excising him. I came to terms with his feelings and respect them always because that’s how I love, with respect, honor and full appreciation.
I love him with a loyalty and trust that will not be broken in my lifetime. There are many things that I would enjoy sharing with him but will never will. Therefore, I move to becoming a little comatose in my life as far as he is concerned but my heart will always feel a surprising jolt when he enters a room or even as I see him across a crowd. I have learned to hide my feelings for self-preservation, enough already.