“I play guitar. I play when feelings build up in me and I need to put them out in the world in a safe way. Guitar is the only method of meditation that I have. I do it alone. I do it well enough for it to work.” – Mark Maron Attempting Normal
I don’t play guitar, only flute, oboe and bassoon, but I do run so that I can meditate. I meditate for the same reason that Maron above, plays guitar, and that is to put my feelings out of my head and into the world. As much as I love a beer or good bourbon, I do not use alcohol as a means to deal with feelings. Once my feelings are out, I don’t feel them anymore which is simply the best for me.
On this voyage, as much as I have wanted to change everything about myself, the thing I want to change most is for me to stop feeling. The thing that I most fear is that I will continue to have feelings that I can’t control. As much as I have controlled my body and other aspects of my mind, I will stop the feelings as I must.
On this Bastille Day, as I storm the jail, I strive to make emotions vanish from my heart. I will simply turn into the rational scientist/surgeon that I want to be and not feel anything. I put everything that I can, out on the asphalt running trail, hoping that the waves will take my feelings out with the tide. As the joy goes, so will go the emptiness.
I didn’t ask to be a feeling human or the to have feelings. They are here and I have to remove them from my mind and heart. With every step, with every challenge, I challenge myself to quit being like I am and keep moving. This is my French Revolution and this is my Bastille Day. I will conquer. Enough already as I can’t change the world, only how I react to it.