Life and the bar

My mind restless and unsettled. I piled into the Porsche and drove to a little bar in our small town on the bay. It was a warm day with plenty of fog everywhere.  I have to get out of my head because I was missing someone more than I should. My whole trip out West here to forget him; to try to channel my feelings into my life of service. I simply must get him out of my head for survival. He doesn’t want me. I am just not good enough for him and I must accept this. I have done so much in my life and I will achieve getting him out of my brain.

It’s probably a cliche of women to be “strung out” over a man but this man is worth the pain in my heart. He’s brilliant, he’s creative and he’s wonderful for my soul but he belongs to another woman, of a higher race and ability and I will come to terms with this. His decisions for his life I will honor. I pray to accept this; please let me accept this so that I can move on with my life; I know what I must do; I will do.

I met a few friends in my local bar; drinking rum and Coke for a pleasant change of pace. I needed the distraction. loved the music and loved the games that we played. I even danced; a new role for me. One of my drinking buddies is a publisher, going through the motions of life; perhaps we can help each other.

He kept telling me that he can’t come to terms with liking me as a black woman (only half-black) but who is counting race? They always count race. It always comes back to the fact that I am not good enough. I can’t change my parents and my birth; what I look like and what I am. Please let me move on. I am so tired of  being devalued because of my race.

I danced and tried to have fun with my friends. “It’s a shame that you don’t belong to one of us,” a posse member said. ” You are just a beautiful and smart woman. “Who am I kidding?  I will stay here on the West coast because at least they don’t hate me. In time, I will accept reality. He’s never going to see me again in this life. I had to put myself far away. This I do tonight.

My heart is in the Midwest, loving a great man of letters and creativity who doesn’t want me. He has the life that he chooses for himself. I love a man who will never love or even appreciate me. As much as I should have run from him when I met him, I didn’t; what a stupid mistake for me.  I accept the pain or my error and hope that my work out here will provide anesthesia. It’s time for me to go on and soar.

My heart knows greatness and acceptance as I find it. I was given this gift of empathy and it’s pure hell. I can’t apologize that money is in my family.  I can’t apologize any more for being not good enough; beautiful enough; talented enough. I listen to music; dance in the darkness and lose myself.

I know that I am going to survive this one. When he’s living his wonderful life with the woman that he loves, he will be happy and I will be in my world of service. The world will be OK.


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