A kiss at the end of the day! It should have been magical but not for me, it was just a means of saying “Thank-you” for a lovely evening. I breathed in the feel of his lips on mine but not what he was expecting. I need more heroics and more energetic magnetism than I felt. I should have been grateful because at my age, I should have been happy that this man of means even looked in my direction. Still, I know myself well and would go no further. When all is firing, I know it and this wasn’t; not for me and I won’t pretend or lie.
What do I mean? I mean that in my world today, I have to have that mental connection that makes my heart glad and my mind soar. I know this and won’t settle for anything less. My honesty does not allow me to be dishonest even if the man is handsome, wealthy and nice. Still, I danced many dances and loved the attention from those who sought my company at the NBA Finals party. I loved the small talk, the flirting; yes, I can be a shameless flirt, but I don’t give me under these circumstances. I am not up for taking because my heart belongs elsewhere no matter how much I wish it did not. My task on the West Coast to is rid my heart of these feelings and move on with my life. If I come back to the Midwest, I will conquer these feelings and forget him.
When the connection works for me, it’s just simple. I share ordinary things; pure enjoyment and laughter. An acceptance of just loving the spirit, feeling the energy and breathing the same air. If this moves forward, the connection can move in a million miles per hour with joy. Why can’t I just have the joy, the connection, the giving with nothing expected or committed? I won’t commit and I won’t give me- no those days will not come again for me.
I touched his face and felt his body against mine; muscles tensed. I saw behind his eyes, that brilliance, that restless energy that I could reflect back and power to greatness. I laughed because I am the empath, the mutable, the woman of energy. When it’s good and trust me, it’s been a wonder, it’s just pure enjoyment, the likes of which I savor like good wine or beer. I wanted to believe I might have a man who would appreciate me and share what I have.
My spirit has always been bold and fearless. It’s just that boldness that keeps me moving toward that which I cannot define for myself. I know that I am a woman that society does not value; not beautiful, not talented, not creative and certainly not very intelligent. No man chooses me because they would have to “explain” why he’s with that “nigger” that “piece of trash”. The white and Asian women reminded me that I am just not their equal.
Still, I was the one dancing and asked to dance. They smelled the perfume in my hair- A Thousand Wishes- and they wanted to hold me for a fleeting moment. If I am not the equal of other woman, why did they want to be with me? What were they smoking? Who spiked the punch? I am not any of those things. I am just a woman who can do what others cannot. I may not be worth much to society but I have my training. I am a surgeon, a sailor and an explorer. I strike out with independence and reflect back those thousand wishes. I can command when I have to and hold a heart in my hands with a tenderness that was honed; no forged.
I communicate on many levels; I choose those connections, having made a huge mistake; a lethal one for me. Now, I have to use my brain and stop loving the man who doesn’t want me. On many occasions, I have been told that I am not good enough. I get the message loud and clear. He doesn’t want a “nigger” and I got the message at last!