The fog rolled down the mountain obscuring and enveloping the bay. I postponed my morning run as I contemplate a grey afternoon jog for my soul. My thoughts this early morning as I sit on the deck to listen for the fog horns and drink coffee, are of my amazing touchstone who inspires my heart and mind. He’s been in my head much lately because I need to come to terms with my feelings of which he is a part.
He sent a quick note acknowledging my arrival here but explaining some baseline rules of our relationship, already quite in the forefront of my mind always. My heart could love him with a passion that would change the axis of the Earth’s orbit (yes, he’s that superb) but my mind won’t allow me to acknowledge or act on such feelings. My rational brain always keeps my heart in check- for my survival.
I say that my heart could love him but a more accurate statement would be that my heart does love him. My heart and my empathic sense tells me that this man is not of the ordinary; I thrive in his presence always. My empathic sense tells me that my friend and I connect deeply which is a gift I can’t believe. His heart belongs to another woman, whom I envy because she has him so completely; something I can’t even allow myself to contemplate under any circumstances.
So today, turns out it’s my birthday, my heart does love a wonderful man of brilliance, kindness, generosity, creativity and talent. My heart can’t help what it feels but my rational brain tells me that I must put that passion into my service and to keep those feelings under control. My rational brain tells me to respect his relationship always, something that I honor and will always honor. My heart and my brain tell me that I am not a bad person to feel how I feel about this gracious and spectacular man but never could I do anything that would cause hurt for him.
So I sit here in the fog, smiling as I think of my amazing friend and acknowledging that perhaps he has touched my life for me to learn how to keep moving forward and survive. His brilliance challenges my heart and pushes my intellect. My heart is warned not to fall in love with him because he’s not free but my empathic nature tells me that perhaps I do need to recognize that I love the greatness about him and that’s not a failing on my part but a gift.