Cold came in this morning, robbing me of my initial enjoyment of the run in early morning; abbreviated because of a later training run. On the weekend training runs, I never know if distance or form will be emphasized thus I don’t want to overrun on the early run and not get the best benefit from my training run. This morning, I guessed right with the training run in sun so bright, I wore my shades. The sun was a welcome friend as I was comfortable and enjoyed both runs. I plan to do a bit of very slow work later this afternoon after a nap.
My favorite imaginary friend let me know about a great podcast. It’s almost amazing how he knows things that I would enjoy. I have been enjoying this cast very much as it gave me much for my morning meditation run. The podcast is call S-Town, rich with great material for thought.
I now know why I can trust my friend. It’s almost frightening how much he knows what I enjoy. As I have listened to the first two podcast chapters (about an hour or so each), my brain loved where the narrator, authors and producers take it. This is just terrific and I am once again, infinitely grateful for the things that my friend shares with me. He’s a genius. I know now why he energizes my head with much gratitude and sheer joy. We have great communication without agenda.
Another friend has moved back into his brain giving me his best “I can’t” speech. I know that he has problems with post traumatic stress but PTSD is very treatable now. There is no reason to keep “screwing up” as he puts it. What he actually “screwed” is our friendship. I won’t refuse to have contact with him but I won’t put up with his excuses and crap.
I represent everything that he dislikes and what the hell, he’s very good at telling me how I am worthless. What he can’t escape is that at some point, one has to hold the nose and jump or stay on shore only to do nothing There is no middle ground so stop with the pretend crap as it isn’t impressive anymore. The good thing about this woman is that she is the champion of moving on and taking chances. I fly, I run and I sail.
One can “wuss out” or one can “man up” and take each day as it comes. Yes, he came through hell with his illness and no, life isn’t going to be the same as before. He has to live in the present with the emphasis on living or stay in bed, pull the covers over his head and give up. His world is never going to be like it was; probably wasn’t all that perfect anyway.
I am as patient as anyone but I have reached the end of my tolerance for his “bullshit”. He doesn’t get a pass from me anymore. Again, life is to be lived and not negotiated. “You can’t just dip your fucking toe in the water anymore, if you intend to swim.” My belief now is that he doesn’t intend to swim; his world as he chooses it.
I don’t live in the past and won’t live in the past. Sure living alone is not for the faint of heart but I need this solitary time to work on my head and body. As I drop another 5 pounds, the body is coming along on schedule. Every step of my jog this morning was beautifully in the present. Every step forces me to deal with what comes in the next instance. I take a breath and enjoy everything around me.
I can feel the ground and feel my feet taking off. I can feel my body moving forward at a pace that is enjoyable. My brain loved the up hill finish of this morning’s run. I was having such a great time testing my strength, that any stress rolled away in the morning sunshine. There is no going back for me with no apologies. Still, I feel the need for a little more speed. It’s going to be a great day to fly; wheels up!