In and out my head

I could not sleep well last night. After an evening of call, my rest interrupted with one thing or another, I just didn’t nap or sleep. I drifted off only to be awakened by dreams so vivid that I was unnerved by some of their subject matter(or a call). I know why my head was filled with something of nightmares; my thoughts focused on heading over to my Gyn friend’s office for her to check out a mass that I had found in my right breast/axilla. As a surgeon, I know what’s ahead. As a woman, I have to face this one on my own terms with sleep disturbed.

I kept cross-checking the painless mass, I first found last week, but I mentioned it to my colleague yesterday. She dragged me in, kicking and screaming, for an evaluation. Trust me, I would rather have holes drilled into my head than deal with these kinds of issues that involve my body. I am in close to the best condition of my life, running with passion and purpose; strong in my faith, my mental reserve and my resilience.

My colleague confirmed what I found; now I sit just a bit equivocal in terms of what might be going on. I am not a worrier and “the thing is what it is”. I came to the realization as I worked on my pace in the warm darkness of this evening, that I am starting to  enjoy the life I have, my ministry and my connections here and there. There is an acceptance present in my life, in my head; challenges enjoyed and savored. I want every minute of enjoyment out of life and it’s fun.

After a short visit with a patient, who is doing well, I thoroughly enjoyed conversation and lunch with one of my most affirming friends. He perpetually forces my head in a thousand directions, most needed today. He’s just a walking, talking, thinking, creative bundle of amazing energy and excitement. How fortunate for me, that he takes even five minutes to hang with me even in my semi-exhausted state. Just what I needed, a warm, rainy day with aggravating traffic, meetings and a “kick in the brain” by my great friend.

He also mentioned, in a text, how the two of us have faced similar challenges in our lives. We are the same age, enjoy some of the same things, i.e. running, an occasional beer, but he’s so far ahead of my brain in what comes in and out of his mind. He’s far more mentally resilient then I but I will attribute that resilience to his tremendous intelligence and sense of humor. Sometimes, the greatest gifts I receive is to be in the presence of those who force me out of my head.


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