I spent some time this late afternoon with a friend. My thoughts now, without having a bit of a run to let my brain soak in all that we discussed, is that I need to continue to come to terms with my baseline. When I say “baseline” I mean those thoughts and actions that will continue to define what is to come.
I feel as if my friend does understand where I am going and where I am at this point but I can’t be sure. There is this restless point in my soul that wants to run and fly from what is present now. I need and want constant mental work. My guess is that I will channel these feelings into my research and into my work to see there it brings me. I seek not for understanding of my, in my soul but for my friends to know that I am the final common denominator. I will not let them fall and will reach out a hand to them if needed.
I hate to be dismissed and this happens so often. It happened at a meeting yesterday and the day before. To look at me and at my sex and my skin color; in short to dismiss me because of what your culture had ingrained in one’s psyche is a grave mistake for I have been able to take what is given to me and take those gifts to the highest level.
To this end, I know that in the next month, I head off to a small mental challenge and a larger physical challenge. I know now where I am placed in this world and I accept my place. I know that I am not of value to most and not worth the time to be relevant to most but I will continue to accept my challenges as they come. This is my baseline and I stand here ready to accept what comes my way.
The months that lay ahead will continue to illustrate why I am not a person of value. In short, I wish I could trust what my friend said to me. I do feel a sense of mistrust and betrayal.Have I made a mistake, in trusting? My education has been excellent; my training outstanding; my sense of duty intact. None of this is directed at me as a person but pushes me to rise above those who do not see me and who dismiss me so easily. This is again, my baseline.