I must admit that after teaching a late evening pathology class, I found it more than difficult to leave my rack and hit the street. The cold of winter returned with a resonance but I headed out for my usual early morning romp through the streets of my burbs; far too much ice on the sidewalks; streets dry and fine. Since I was about one hour later than my usual time, I enjoyed the cold blue indigo of the Lake give way to a hint of pink-orange and then a glorious sunrise. Such a gift as I pondered the thought of lung-freeze in the cold. Still, I ran on in the early light.
I cherish my early runs with my thoughts, meditations and prayers; always grateful that I can run at my advanced age. These days, there is a spring in every step with a calm acceptance of things in my life just the way they are. I am not questioning but embracing all that I have; letting go of what I don’t have and don’t want. Since I pulled back on my connections, I am far happier and certainly a faster runner, thanks to my coach and her insistence on me working on upper body strength; my head in a great place.
As I organized some of my papers in my home office, I found my sterling silver flute. I had almost forgotten that I didn’t put my instrument in the safe deposit box as I had placed my late husband’s gold and platinum instruments; still too painful to hold. I always love the smell of my instrument case, the shine, the silver sound. I played a few runs, my fingers remembering the keys same as my surgical cases. My hands just go where they are trained to go! My first note was my favorite E-flat, and then F; always my notes of comfort; a big movement in my life even opening that instrument case.
I am OK! I am better than OK now. I have survived and even thrived in one or two ways; taking miles of asphalt, miles of sailing and hours of prayer/meditation. I have to live in the grey areas but they open to the white of morning. I remember that grey is made up of black and white. The light always comes in and finds the smallest opening with the brightest rays.
I am evil and stronger than ever; keeping a low profile moving in shadows, in the dark and then embracing the light. In short, learning to shift when I need to shift. No confusion and no embrace but plenty of exploration and surprises. Yes, I am no longer taking small steps but enjoying all that I love with a ferocity that was always mine to give. I make the choices without caring about critics. In short, I enjoy pulling back and living from within.
My very gifted friend always reminds me that I have everything I need. I think he’s right and I am thankful for his friendship. Yep, I am a flute-playing runner and survivor of the worst but more to come for me. I embrace the bright white and the challenges/adventures. I pull my friend with me back from the abyss. Make no mistake though, I have a loyalty that cannot be challenged.