Yesterday, I lost something that is, a material object, that had great sentimental value. I was careless and dropped my object while looking for something else. When I realized my loss, I found myself thinking about my losses over the past year. My conclusion is that material objects and even people, will come and go in my life. These losses, while hurting at the time, are part of living. In short, I am going to lose and I have to come to terms with my losses.
My friendships, that I have lost hurt deeply. I had a great friend and colleague, actually two friends and colleagues, that I lost over the past year. The pain of these losses hurt my heart to the core but I am emerging stronger with meditation and prayer. I have a capacity to love with a ferocity but along with that capacity comes deep hurt when rejection occurs. I have come to deal with those loses and move to a position of strength albeit with a bit of fear.
My fear is that I will lose my capacity for deep connection. Perhaps the loss of this capacity will enable me to keep my heart from hurting but I must follow my instinct for self-preservation. In short, I will not reach out any longer. From here on in, I withdraw and keep my solitude. Perhaps I will emerge better because I won’t undergo hurt any longer. I have given all that I can. No more!
Remembering that many comment on my positivity, I will try to keep positive. With the cold and snow, I will freeze in one spot, evaluate where I am and make adjustments from there. How much can I take? Perhaps, more that I believe but this I must accomplish. There is a freedom in letting go and a freedom in self-preservation.
I wonder why people come and go without explanation, ghosting. For one of these friends, I can make the case for his health affecting him but that’s not good enough. He has spent years insulating himself; I am not his enemy. I have to conclude that he has decided, like my other friend, that I am not worth his time or even his good will. In short, another “Fuck you”. Sad but this is always a risk for me and my connections. I understand and I will yield and give up. I wish him well.
Thus, in this new year, I move back into my science, my data and my work. Medicine/surgery is a great means to lose oneself and not feel anything. I put my feelings today, into my physical conditioning and my work. I haven’t been neglecting my studies but I will make them more of a priority. No more contact, no more initiation and no more risks for me.I keep to myself and I protect my heart. I make me stronger by withdrawal. Enough already!