This morning, I took the ferry across the bay to the marina for a morning run. This is one of my favorite routes running next to the sailing clubs; hanging with like-minded folks who enjoyed the same rainy run as myself. I love the breeze and fog rolling in; smells and sounds of the maritime life for those of us who do not live this life. This I imagine as I logged some miles in this, my second home so different from where I live in the Midwest. Tomorrow, my last day here promises to be sunny and cool. Still, I have enjoyed the steady rain not caring about my drowned look.
As my vacation winds down, I had some meetings with colleagues in the burn unit here. I always stop by when I am in town for professional fellowship and greetings into the new year. My colleagues here have a great philosophy of patient care refreshing for me to visit and learn. We are old friends as the world of burns is a very small one.
I enjoyed a cup of coffee in the morning chill before heading back across the bay to prepare for my afternoon meeting feeling empowered with my activity. A quick change and into the car for the late morning/afternoon work. Also have plenty of ideas for freshening my lectures back home. Such is the world of academic surgery and my restless mind.
Once back home, I don’t have to jump on getting back to work and my theological studies as I have a bit of home time. My resolve is to go back to the cold and perhaps snow with the idea of conquering those conditions. I have to toughen up to push myself physically. Perhaps I need to toughen my heart and insulate it at the same time.
My heart is very happy to be solitary. I don’t expect that I will enjoy anything more than the company of a friend or colleague but I know that I don’t need a relationship. I thought I did but the past few months have allowed me to grow as an individual and hone my ethics coming through a small bit of discord with my psyche quite intact. I did not compromise on those principles that I know to be true. I also have learned not to care if any person doesn’t want to be with me. Society wants to devalue and discount me; I revel in this dismissal.
As I strongly contemplate leaving the Midwest for the West coast (Pacific Ocean), I just don’t need anything more than I have at this moment. On New Year’s Eve as I stood on the balcony watching the fireworks that initiated in the new year, I vowed to be quite self-sufficient and self-preserving. I can’t allow anyone to tear my heart out as I did earlier this year. I won’t surrender my feelings to anyone but will be the baseline for anyone who needs me.
I once thought that I had to go on an adventure, amazon-like strength, an equal with the young men who accompanied me on a sail across the Pacific. Now, I see them as furniture, experiences teaching me that I have a restless spirit that will never rest; experiences shared, friendships made and nothing more. Quite simply, I don’t have any wants or needs at this point but continued spiritual growth and serenity to seek always. The gifts of constant change being just wonderful. Such are my thoughts on this cold and foggy day.