This is the day before the first Sunday of Advent, once my favorite time of the Christian calender. Advent holds many rich memories for me that peppered my meditation on my long run in the cold wind by the lake today. In the past, my late husband would be playing for the ballet, working on music for the Christmas season while I would be completing the semester so that my students could head on to their winter break. Today, no husband, no one in my life but Advent is here and the semester is ending for the students.
I can still close my eyes and hear the notes of his flute practice as he moved through dozens of pieces for the concerts that he would play. As I fell asleep, he would be playing and as I crept out of bed in the early morning for rounds, he would be asleep; next to me with his beautiful blue eyes closed, his red hair in his face and most of the time a smile as he dreamed. He was a very heavy sleeper but sometimes would stir as I kissed him on the forehead when I left the house with coffee in hand in the darkness.
He would have many engagements to perform; I could catch some of them but always heard the excitement in his voice as he explained how they went when I didn’t make the performances. He was child-like in his love for his craft; never jaded or giving away the pain that was to come; that ultimately took him from this earth and from my life. I try not to connect with the pain but only remember the sounds; his voice with a laugh in it as he spoke; the lights of his eyes and his soul.
Today, I ran a very long distance in the cold; felt the cold wind cutting my face and caught the quick smile of a man who was blowing leaves but quietly pointed out the deer that grazed on his front lawn. I heard the waves hitting the shores of the lake; white caps clearly visible on the pale blue-gray of the water; sun peaking through the clouds. The cold bringing tears to my eyes, especially the right eye (post surgery) as my thoughts centered on my solitary life; as I run alone and with my thoughts.
I know that I must connect with the present in order to move into the future. I know that I have come to terms with being alone; not particularly sad with a duty to those that I have come to serve. I must find joy in my solitude because it is what is my life now. There will never be another person with me; for me; caring whether I live or die. Sometimes I believe that death is where I need to go as there must be some comfort for me in death as there can never be in life. Right now, I have just a tiny bit of hope and that keeps me alive for another day; just one more day. No more promises because I am in that present.