“Gotta get off, gonna get
Need to get on where I’m bound
When did I get, where did I
Why am I lost as a lamb?
When will I know, where will I
How will I learn who I am?”– Andre and Dory Previn
I am busier than I have been in several years. While my practice is exactly where I want it- I am doing some of the best medicine that I have done in years, I am running distances I could only dream of before and my teaching is strong- I am so sad to have my friend out of my life again, again his choice. I am at a loss to understand why he stops communicating with me without saying something like “I just need some space.” or “You pissed me off with something you have done,”
I always know he is conflicted and angry when it comes to me but my heart just hurts when he does this. I wish I didn’t care. I wish I could just move on and not care but he’s such a wonder, a giant person and was so generous with so many things that just always made my heart glad even to spend five minutes with him without agenda. I would gladly give whatever he wanted; I will gladly give what he wants because that is how I am. I am not angry or vindictive; I bow out and I will never hurt him even if he hurts me and that was his intent, though I don’t know why. I am nice and infinitely forgiving as I am hurt but that is who I am and how I will always be. I just can’t inflict hurt on another human being intentionally no matter what.
Our relationship has always been on his terms. I am independent and totally aware of what is important to him. I know that I will never be good enough or smart enough to be in his life. When he came back into my life a couple of months ago, I promised that I would be extremely careful to not cause any stress for him. I went out of my way to be as invisible as possible and connect out of the presence of others. I wanted him to see me as the person who will always have his needs forefront as he will always be very precious for me. He forced me to be a better and more independent version of myself. I will always have gratitude for that.
Alas, I screwed up again and he’s gone; this time without explanation; a different kind of anger on his part. It must be so great, so wonderful to be able to throw away people especially a fairly nice person but then again, I don’t even believe I am a person as far as he is concerned, and never was. Still, I miss him and I always will miss him.
What do I learn from this experience? How powerful is his capacity to hate me and that is what I got along with a touch of cruelty, never thinking this would happen. It was a risk and I accept the consequences of taking that risk of caring about a great man. I pray that I never do anything like this to another human being. He kept telling me that I didn’t know him but I do know him and this didn’t have to happen. I am never and will never be an enemy or a danger. He will always be safe with me; I will always be dedicated to his well being.
Mike, my brother, is right. I can’t do this anymore. I have to move on and not have any contact with this man because he actually hates me and I will never know why. I just want to turn off this connection and not feel so sad. I have much running mileage, meditation and prayer to get through this wound which may be impossible.