I try to meet my challenges in academics, my religious studies, medical practice and physical conditioning as they come. Recently, my academic work, specifically my teaching style, came under sharp criticism (very negative) and increased scrutiny. Now, I don’t mind criticism and will listen with an ear for what might be worthwhile but none of what I faced was even worthwhile; directed as a personal attack upon me. This scrutiny forced me to question everything and forced me into a position of vulnerability that I couldn’t help. I was in a tailspin; looking for anything of validation.
Couple my largely “mental tailspin” with my loss of my friendship of one of my most valued friends. I had retreated back to a point of reliving the death of Gene and my almost catatonic reaction post. I was feeling most of the same types of issues that I faced when I thought my world had come to an end. These were feelings that I couldn’t control but now I have learned that I can feel them and use them to force me to meet challenges with strength.
My spiritual challenges are there but with my renewed strength, I allow myself to serve and feel without apology. I make mistakes in performing my duties at the cathedral during Sunday mass but I learn from my mistakes and from my very generous mentors. I know that they question me but by questioning me, I am forced to question myself too.
My friend who has been quite generous in advising me in my academic work is back in my life which gives me renewed hope that I can learn more from him. I should have listened to him in the first place but my extreme fears would not allow me to benefit from his wisdom. I am blessed and grateful that he spends even two minutes with me and I appreciate all the wise counsel that he has shared with me.
I have watched him interact with his students, his infinite patience and critiques. His student population is more vulnerable and more difficult to teach but he is kind and had great insight into where each student lies in their learning. I learned patience and kindness from him. One day, I watched him answer questions as he walked with his students into the parking lot; surrounded by those who truly appreciated what he had to say. Whenever I see him, I know that I am in the presence of someone who is far greater than myself.
I headed off to interview for another academic job challenging in that I had to deliver a grand rounds presentation and interact with some of the greatest surgeons in this country. I more than passed that test; surprising myself with how wonderful it was to assist on cases that I haven’t performed in years. Sometimes a skills check with master surgeons is good for the soul too. It also helped that a couple of my former professors from residency affirmed that they were proud of how I have made my way in practice.
My physical conditioning continues to be a source of challenges and growth. My trainer balances weight training with running so that I will conquer the marathon distance and I will continue to enjoy vigorous good health. I am getting faster and stronger; finally seeing some of the definition that I sought but with a smaller muscle mass. I am enjoying my increased running mileage while meditating; keeping my head together. I observe the world as it moves past me.
My spiritual growth comes in the form of reaching inside myself for affirmation these days. I am alone with my thoughts and examine each one carefully. I am happy with my solitude, enjoying exploration of my creative side (not very creative at all) and some of the artistic resources in my city. The creative resources of our local artists, musicians and actors have brought a kind of renewal of spirit for me. I seek to interact with humanity and I am acquiring the tools to do so. In that acquisition of tools of spirit, I know that I am not alone and that I am quite happy with the spiritual state of my life.
I don’t focus on material objects much as they have always had little meaning for me. My connections with my patients, my students and my colleagues have been most important. I read the writings and poetry of my like-minded physician colleagues always surprised by the insight and the richness that they bring to my world. One in particular, posts a daily affirmation that moves my meditations quite often. I am truly blessed to know this extraordinary individual who gives so much to the world.
I know that happiness in life comes from the “good stuff” and I have the “good stuff” in abundance these days. My crisis of spirit is no longer a crisis but an acceptance that while I am not good enough for some people; not valued by most, I value and accept myself. I am made by my creator and I seek to be kind, generous and accepting of those around me; no longer a crisis.