Trusting My Instincts

I have some unusual duties to perform in addition to my solo service in the small chapel this upcoming Sunday. As  physician, I will be backing up my former practice partners for a mass event taking place next week. I am happy to provide these services as I have experienced some mass casualty events, the first of which was the Pentagon incident back on September 11, 2001. In such instances, being aware of surroundings, people and staging-areas are of uppermost importance.

In these matters, I use my training, my experience and my common sense in terms of taking care of anyone who comes under my care. Today, we put the last-minute touches on making sure that all of our preparations are in place for all situations expected or unexpected. Our hospital has performed many disaster drills and next week’s events should post few problems for us.

In another matter, I have been invited on a date by a colleague, whom I don’t know very well. I have been out of the dating world for many years only enjoying fellowship with my  friends; largely keeping to myself and getting to know myself. When this very nice person asked me out to dinner, I found myself answering in the affirmative but immediately regretting my acceptance. I have come to enjoy my solitary life and world these days. It has been quite nice to come back to my tiny townhouse, leave my shoes by the door and break open a beer, chuck the bra (it’s a woman-thing) and enjoy the fellowship my chihuahua. She is always happy to see me and hear about my day.

My dinner date is attractive and wealthy but is far from that rapid-fire brilliance and wit that I find infinitely appealing and gratifying. He could be deemed a “catch” for most any single woman but I am not just “any” single woman. I am not looking for a “catch”. I am not looking for anyone as I am working on getting to know myself in the roles I have set for my life that is, my spiritual, my academic and my medical practice. I live simply and with my own purposes but having a date is not a bad thing, is it not?

I am finding that my heart is happiest in the presence of my friend who is back in my life after an absence of some months. He makes me laugh and smile with great joy. I keep saying a prayer of gratitude that he is back because I was very sad and almost depressed when he removed himself. I always remember that I promised if he chose to resume communication with me, I would treat that communication like precious gold. This I do and will continue to do so because he takes my breath away with his brilliance.

I know that I must not compare my upcoming dinner date to my friend who does not want a relationship other than friendship with me but my instincts are difficult to ignore. Sometimes, there are people in my life that just force me to measure every emotion and every step. These days, I am not much of a great dinner companion, don’t eat that much but I have to force myself enjoy the company of others and be grateful every minute that I spend with my brilliant creative friend who makes my heart sing as he always will do this. Even as I type this and think of him, I laugh out loud because he is just that cool. My instincts tell me that my heart will be conflicted for a while longer.

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