I am now down to 4 days to my first marathon. I had a great last long run this past Sunday with one week to go. I feel great; passing the time between elation that I have done my best in terms of training and a little fear that I can’t finish the race. I have not run a total of 26.2 miles having been advised against running the total distance by my coach.
My friends, save the one whose friendship I miss most, have been very supportive. My heart is glad for having set this goal and worked diligently toward it. I pray and meditate on hoping that my lost friend finds his way back into my life as he is such a generous and energetic spirit that I miss unspeakably. I am totally at peace with his decision but I can’t get past that I am without his lively character and his affirmation. That affirmation went in two directions.
I spent some great time with two of my professors from residency. It was a wonderful experience of seeing two men that profoundly affected the way I practice surgery and medicine. They are generous and wise teachers whose wisdom whispers into my ears when I am in a tough clinical situation. One, who was my residency director, is the most heroic person I have ever known, a former marathoner. The other, just joyful in his generous sharing of his knowledge and teaching. It was a great experience to see these men after many years of development on my part. I am at profound peace with where I am and how I practice.
I had many opportunities to exchange ideas and information with some of the brightest and best minds from across the nation in surgery. Such rare opportunities are not to be taken lightly. I found my brain brimming with ideas and commentary on my two long runs of last week. The weather was warm with clear blue sky and plenty of lake water to run along side. I couldn’t help but smile at every biker and fisherman that I passed, sampling the good will of people that I will never meet again. Such is the stuff of affirmation.
My running is for me and myself alone. I haven’t had an opportunity to sit on the roof of my hospital lately but I am philosophical as I take on the challenge of completing my academic duties for the semester and year. Before I left town for a short trip, I had become embroiled in a useless “ego” trial that cost me a friend, my ultimate academic friend, and shook my confidence in my teaching style/ability. My experience in reconnecting with my former professors restored my resolve to be the best that I can be without engaging in any type of “ego” exercise.
Medicine and teaching have no room for agendas other than imparting the best knowledge possible to those who are students. I renewed my resolve to impart the best and explain all that I can explain to my students. Still, as I was on the verge of my ultimate “burn-out” for many reasons, I now have a calmness and peace that my experience has been a great teacher for me. Still, I have so much that I would love to share with my lost friend, I am sad that I won’t be able to do this.
My research continues and will be running “full steam” during the summer season. I look ahead with great expectation that we will accomplish much. I will get through my marathon in the coming weekend and move forward with the things that are on my agenda for “after” the marathon. I feel that my end of week affirmation, along with my taper and rest will be the best part of my training.
Yes, I worry that I won’t finish but I will give my best. Yes, I worry that I might suffer an injury in the start of race jostling but I will give my best and keep my eyes open. I have the positive wishes and prayers of my spiritual companions from my theology course along with my wonderful and wise friends. I have learned many lessons in the past week and I have been very sad but I keep my eyes focused on where I go from here. I prepare my head and my heart for what is to come. I have no doubt of the gifts that I have been given and I am infinitely grateful for all of them; even the painful experiences.