My last week was one of the worst that I have experienced since the death of my husband. When my husband killed himself, I went into a state of not being aware of what was around me and total “shut-down”. At that time, I was fortunate to have had a great friend and colleague who allowed me to grieve in my own way but kept close enough to make sure that I was OK. To this day, I am infinitely thankful for his friendship and fellowship. He was key to my survival.
This past week, I endured a new type of crisis in my academic work. Those feelings of being totally helpless and very depressed came back in spades. I floundered around but in that floundering, I lost the friendship of a relatively new colleague that I admired very much. I just couldn’t see how utterly stupid I was acting and for this I am very sorry.
My take on this is that we were both stressed and I should not have leaned on him but in truth, I respect that he emphatically stated that he does not want any contact with me. I was the ultimate “ass hole” and I understand his feelings. Yes, a little extreme but knowing him and his continued wisdom, I respect his wishes. I miss him, especially his take on thousands of subjects, his brilliance and his energy but sometimes, being a good friend means giving others the space that they need and respecting their wishes. I hold no ill will and certainly nothing but admiration for all that he shared me with over the past few months.
Yes, I am sad in that I will miss him but I know that he knows what he needs best. If he wishes to resume contact and affirmation, he will do so but for now, I wish him “Godspeed” on his journey and only want the best for him even if that means I don’t have contact with him. I take full responsibility for my selfishness in not thinking of his feelings as I struggled with mine. I am thankful that I got to know him even a tiny bit because he is a busy but great and wonderful soul. I will miss him sharing his thoughts on work and life as I learned much in the short time that I knew him. He is and will be one of the most extraordinary people that I will ever know.