Today is an anniversary of my former husband giving me an engagement ring. That day was happiest that I remember; seal of a love that burned so passionately and so honestly. It seems like a lifetime ago but I took the single diamond in a simple setting from its box and placed it on my finger; evoking the memories of that wonderful day. Yes, it’s sad that he is no longer alive but I remember him saying as he pulled the ring from behind his back, bending down, “You are the best person that I will ever love and I can’t imagine my life without you as my wife”.
Little did I know, that he would take his precious life without words, without explanation because there can be no means of explaining why one commits suicide. Those who are left behind can speculate that the emotional pain he suffered led to this unspeakable act but I can never know what was in his head the moment he made such a decision that would color my life forever. On my last long run, I ran the weeks before his suicide again in my head; trying to find any indication that he would end his life.
As I have written in previous posts, he was infinitely creative, infinitely gifted and brought joy to all who heard his music. He was born in New York City, the consummate New Yorker with his fiery blue eyes and flaming red hair, mustache and freckles that was his countenance that took my heart almost at first glance. He always said that even though he was lost in my green eyes, it was my quick turn of a phrase, my close connections with all that I meet and my positive acceptance of all human beings that attracted him to me. He always said that my passion for making all that I meet glad that they were in this world- something that he couldn’t understand but something he found irresistible in the woman that would stand before him, meeting him eye to eye- that woman was me.
As the days go, at this point in my life, my green eyes are still with me; my empathic nature and my compassion/passion are still part of my undoing at times. I cannot fail to see the wonder of all humanity as this gift is mine forever. My grief is still with me because my husband is not with me though times remain when I first awaken, that I can’t believe he is not physically present-his presence still with me. I listen to his music; touch the sheet music that he last worked on and remember the twinkle in his eyes that I miss so very much.
I know that life sends me challenges. New people who will come and go. I know that my heart smiles when I encounter a friend who has that familiar but infinite creativity; that infinite intelligence and brilliant wit that spills over with mirth in small interactions here and there. My heart glad with those little moments of laughter. I have to accept joy when and where I find it but today, I placed my single diamond on my hand; looking at its simplicity and realizing that even in death, my relationship with Gene is still very much alive; as hard and as unbreakable as the carbon-carbon bonds in this stone on my left hand.