It’s that same old feeling

Even a week ago, I was joyful and ready to take on the new challenge of ending the semester’s work and heading to Europe. Today, after a serene and contemplative service of Tenebrae, I am heading into a darkness; my heart deeply sad.

Why is my heart sad? It is sad because I offered a gift of friendship, given freely without strings. My gift was thrown back with an small element of cruelty that set me into a spiral of feeling that I am not quite “good enough”. I don’t understand why someone whom I thought would be a close friend, so misjudged me. Perhaps, I need to stop offering but perhaps this situation says more about the other person than about me.

My empathic nature allows me to see how closely I connect and how this other person started to “thrive” a bit under the warmth of my friendship but retreated to that which is familiar however cold. I am hurt but I am going to have to strike out on a solitary journey where I heal my heart and keep my mind as sound as my body (stronger each day by my physical conditioning). Perhaps it is time for me to light a fire and burn brightly in this darkness. Perhaps it is time for me to climb the 14 stories to the roof of my hospital; seeking the cold of the rain against my face to hide my tears (flowing freely now).

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