No, I will not apologize for seeking…

I seek joy in my life now! I don’t care what the world has to say about me or what I “should” be doing; I am grateful for what I AM doing i.e., seeing infinite joy in all that I encounter. My search has taken me to this place of acceptance of those I meet and acceptance of myself as a human being. As I attended a cocktail party meeting for my practice (not my favorite activity), I allowed the devaluing of me to roll off. These activities which include wives and girlfriends almost invariably demonstrate a bit of animosity on the part of the women who are not surgeons toward the two female surgeons of the group. We are dismissed, blatantly overlooked and outwardly criticized for our “lack of fashion-sense”.  For my part, I dress (in colors generally) as I wish as does the other female surgeon in our group (dresses in neutrals). At this particular cocktail party, I wore a red and gold dress; above the knee length with black tights and flat black shoes (have to be able to make a quick getaway).

I engaged a couple of the women who were so critical of my sense of style at this meeting with questions as to why they considered my style such an interesting topic. “You female surgeons are such hard women!”, one of them announced. “If you were more feminine, you would look better.” another informed. “I am neither hard nor unfeminine as I see myself which is of importance only to me,” I stated. “My dress is a statement of my experiences in my places of San Francisco and New York,” I said. Besides, I love colors, greens, blues, golds and reds. My creative designer friends  remind me that I am not creative but enjoy those who are creative especially my artistic friends who designed my dresses. I wear each one with thoughts of the one who designed it. Pissit!,  to those critical women at that cocktail party!

In my style of everything, I seek connection, knowledge and infinite joy of just being alive and aware. It took much searching, praying and meditating for me to get to a place of just acceptance of my search for joy on a minute by minute basis. My joy can come from hearing a great song, hearing and seeing a great play or movie, hearing one of my brilliant colleagues sharing a thought or two over coffee. Only last week, I watched a new friend bound across the parking lot with a killer walk sunlight reflecting off of his grey hair in a cold wind. Just a bit of joy and smiling on my part because he is an infinite character. Such a small scene allowed me to laugh out loud. No, I do not apologize for seeking joy in such simple things. I am very grateful to be alive and aware.

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