Never Good Enough

“He drew a circle that shut me out–Heretic, rebel, a thing to flout. But Love and I had the wit to win: We drew a circle that took him in!”– Edwin Markham Outwitted- “The Shoes of Happiness, and Other Poems.”

This day, I struggle with overcoming the belief that I am just not “good enough”. This belief powers my runs, as if I could outwit/outrun this feeling. This feeling pushes me to run further and faster. My evidence today, a person whom I care for deeply, will not have any communication with me.

It took a “leap of faith” for me to consider giving a part of my heart to this person. He came into my life and stopped my heart with his gentleness and apparent interest. In the end, something has stopped him from communication with me. This non-communication has fueled my fear; always with me; that I am just not good enough for anyone to like or love again.

“Why can’t you just be happy that you have overcome some extreme challenges?”, one of my surgeon partners asked. “Why do you just seem to need to connect with this person, who obviously doesn’t want to connect with you?” That fear lingers long after I have completed a run or a case.

Do I just take him in? Do I continue to move toward him? I take him as I find him without agenda but with complete acceptance. It’s that he is worthy of my feelings for him. I am not a person who has these feelings for no reason. As an empath, I know where he is and I can’t seem to shake the energy where he is concerned. I just keep running with the hope that one day I will be good enough.

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