“1 All night long on my bed I looked for the one my heart loves; I looked for him but did not find him. 2 I will get up now and go about the city, through its streets and squares; I will search for the one my heart loves. So I looked for him but did not find him. 3 The watchmen found me as they made their rounds in the city. “Have you seen the one my heart loves?”– Song of Solomon 3:1-3 (NIV)
As the first anniversary of my husband’s death draws near, I find myself slipping into profound darkness; expected, but not welcome. I had vowed to keep myself busy with surgery, writing and teaching but the darkness surrounds me at every turn.
On my morning run, as the sky turned from indigo blue to faint pink, I keep the memories of awakening to find him not with me. I don’t hear his music as I fall asleep and I don’t see him lying quietly next to me, his red hair falling to his shoulders and his blue eyes closed as he slept so peacefully. The wonder of just watching him sleep still with me.
I search every conversation of the months leading up to his death. I searched through his notes, writings and papers for some hint of why he chose to end his life. There is nothing. He shared none of his pain with me. As I remember each expression on his face, I, the empath remember nothing but sheer love in his eyes and much joy.
Those bright blue eyes, ready smile as he handed me a cup of green tea when I came through the door in the evenings; rarely we were both home at the same time. There was nothing, no hint; no pain until now as the memories for me are visceral, palpable as I choke on my tears. Why did he leave this earth?