“Your love is like a shadow on me all of the time. I don’t know what to do and I’m always in the dark.We’re living in a powder keg and giving off sparks. I really need you tonight.”-Jim Steinman (Total Eclipse of the Heart)
In my theology class, I have been asked to write about the sentinel event in my spiritual life. In truth, my spirituality is always with me but the one sentinel event that I can’t share with the group is the death of my husband. Last December, he put a gun to his head and pulled the trigger; shattering my very existence and bringing me perilously close to my own self-destruction saved only by giving all to God and questioning how and why I would go on.
I am not prepared to reopen that wound that is just barely being held together so tenuously with the edges having been brought together over the last week or so. I struggled just to find some feeling; some passion for something that could keep me going and now I feel drawn back to that place of nauseating pain without end.
We are expected to read these spiritual experiences to other members of the class. Even with turning down as much of my empathy as possible, I have found myself overcome with the energies of those class members who have shared their experiences; emotionally exhausting for me; I came home and plunged into darkness and raw fear. Now, I am praying not head back to the depths from which I just escaped. No sleep for me this night.