Because I said I would…

“Through all levels you’ve been changing
Getting a little bit better, no doubt
The doctor bit was so far out
Looking through crystal spectacles
I can see I had your fun,”– Donovan Leach ” Epistle to Dippy

I knew that this day would be coming up; our wedding anniversary. Last year at this time, we were walking on the beach on Paradise Island, Bahamas; arm in arm; celebrating our love and things to come.  Such sheer bliss with the person who knew me, said I was the “last person” that he would “love on this Earth”. The wind off the ocean, the waves coming and going out; the smell of the ocean and the warmth of a love so great that I can feel it’s intoxicating effects even now, one year later.

I fell so deeply in love with a simple heroic man who was talented beyond belief; so many gifts from God. I could watch him breathe air and be transported to a place where few will ever tread. I could (and can) hear him play his flute and piccolo; carrying the melody perfectly with timing and phrasing that could capture my heart instantly and carry my soul. His twinkling blue eyes and fiery red hair that curled in my hands as I held his face. His red mustache that he twisted when he laughed with that merry sound that lit a thousand of my worlds.

Perhaps, I should continue to thank God that I was with him. Perhaps, I should thank God that I could feel a love this powerful, few people have this, but I continue to start each day with the promise that I will not take my life as he did. I keep trying to figure out a way to forgive myself for not seeing the pain that he hid so well. I keep trying to find the strength to keep this promise to keeping living in this world. Because I said I would…


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