Transducing My Soul

“My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.”– Psalm 73:26 (NIV)

As my work here in this incredible place of wonder and beauty, soon comes to an end, I am still working on allowing my soul to find a place in the world. Recently, the person on this Earth that I loved completely, freely and without apology chose to end his life and took much of my soul and spirit along with his life. It took every thought and prayer for me to put even one foot in front of the other one to keep on living through this horrible experience.

My prayer, my work and my complete surrender to my faith are why I am not dead at this point but make no mistake; I wanted to die in the hours after he died. There were moments when I just wanted this continued hurt to end at any cost, but there are moments when I knew that I have more to do on this Earth. There are even moments that I have sheer joy; so many in the experiences and connections of the past few weeks.

I remember returning from the hospital, driven by a colleague who was afraid to speak to me. I remember looking at his toothbrush on the sink and the pillows on his side of the bed that were just the way he arranged them carefully and not understanding that he would never need these things again. It took months for me to sleep in that bed or move that toothbrush. If I didn’t disturb those things, I might be jarred from this incredible pain. He couldn’t have accomplished this unspeakable act.

His gold flutes and silver piccolos were in our music room. I can’t touch them even today, months later. His best friend removed them from the house so I could breathe. I don’t know why I survived, but I am alive with serenity, and I am moving as fast and I can. I can say that I am even grateful for life at times.

I know that I will not love another person ever, this I promise myself for preservation. I will treasure my mates and my inspirations as they come, as they enter my life from most unexpected places. I have become something of a handful and mutable. The wind blows from the west this afternoon. My next adventure is another of the spirit and service to others.

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